The IHM Diary

Phans Gaye Kunwar !

Last time hum kya kar rahe the?

Pranay Sir internal assessment le rahe the, Role play, jis mein woh guest bane the….aur Ikrant aur Sarthiv front office staff. Unke jawabo se gussa hue Pranay Sir manager bane Riddharth ko gussa karne lage aur dhamki dene lage ki woh hotel chod rahe hain. Magar Riddharth ne Apology dene ke bajaay unhe hotel ki gaadi dene ki sochi joh unhe dusre hotel mein drop kar degi…..Yeh sunn kar Pranay Sir ne chidh kar darwaaze ki taraf ungli point ki aur kaha “GET OUT!!!!!!” Aur hum chaaron wahan se dumm daba kar bhaag gaye…..
Bhaag kar bhi jaate kahaan, hume aana toh Pranay Sir ke class mein hi tha, assessment khatam hone ke baad jab wapas class mein gaye toh expect kiya tha ki bahut kuch utt-pataang sunn ne milega par hum galat the.
“Your batch has done comparatively well then other batches which I’m happy about…the next internal will be in the next week on telephone handling, I shall give you the standard dialogues needed for telephone handling in the next class…..have a nice day!”

“Are you serious?” Humne guest ko khud parcel dene kaha, apologise karne ke bajaye guest ko hotel se bhaga diya phir bhi  “Comparatively well!” isse zyaada bewakoofi bhi koi kar sakta hai? Yeh sab dimaag mein chal hi raha tha, jab humne ek awaaz suni “I’ll see to it that you 3 get a KT”. Maine pehle hi kaha tha, kuch bhi kar lo, bas Pranay Sir ke hate list mein mat aana, warna KT toh pakki hai. Bas wahi hua…..Ikrant, Sarthiv aur Riddharth teeno ka swagat unke hate list mein ho gaya tha.. aur mere mann mein ?
Nahin nahin…laddoo nahin phoot rahe the… strawberry uchhal rahe the…ki Main unke hate list mein aane se bach gayi, thoda bura bhi laga par khushi zyaada hui ….. Phir in teen (3)… aur Pranay Sir ka joh silent war aarambh hua, woh toh bataane laayak hai….

Next week aa gaya, humara assessment day tha, Telephone Handling ! So basically telephone handling bhi humare hotel management course ka ek hissa hai, phone par baat kaise karte hain, woh humein sikhaya jaata tha. Ab yeh bhi koi sikhaane wali cheez hai? Hum saare students ne toh iss par PHD kar rakhi hai, sabke sab yaa toh girlfriend/boyfriend se baat karte hue milenge, yaa toh apni /apne crush ko pataate hue …….Ab aap hi bataaiye PHD holder ka bhi koi test leta hai bhala?…. Haan! Humare college wale lete hain….Teen ring mein phone uthana padta tha, aapko kuch standard dialogues ratta marne padte the jaise “Good morning Sir/madam, this is XYZ… How may I assist you? Baat karte waqt humesha Ek smile apne chehre par chipka kar rakhna padta tha.. aur agar aapne iss mein koi bhi galti ki toh samjho aapki shaamat aayi….. Ikrant ko dekh kar Pranay Sir ke chehre pe ek muskurahat thi. Woh smile maano keh rahi thi ki beta aaj toh tu gaya.

Internals ki shuruaat grooming se hui. Wahi same… nails check karna, shoes polished hone chahiye, baal kate hone chahiye etc etc….Aur Ikrant ki shaamat tabhi aagayi, grooming mein. Pranay Sir ne use grooming mein 0 (anda) diya, yeh kehkar ki uske baal bade hain, jab ki uske baal uske forehead tak pauhch bhi nahi rahe the. Pranay Sir bole
“Ikrant go and cut your hair and come in next five minutes… your time starts now!”
“Sir par abhi koi salon khula nahi hoga”

“That’s your problem not mine, your time has already started please leave” Vinay sir was cut and dry. Ikrant ko yeh internal kaise bhi dena tha, par woh karta kya subh 9 baje koi salon khula nahi hoga aur agar hoga bhi toh Ikrant 5min mein aayega kaise? Pranay Sir time ke pakke hain 5min matlab 5min – naa pehle naa baad mein…..Mujhe Ikrant ke liye kaafi bura lag raha tha, Main sure thi ki woh wapas nahi aa paayega… infact mujhse zyaada sure toh Pranay Sir the. “Hands behind your back” karke military man ki tarah pure class room mein chal rahe the… aur unka favouriute speech bhi chal raha tha, “Tum sabko kya lagta hai, Sirf tum hi smart ho? Baccho tumhari umra se main bhi guzra hoon….tum sabki ki nas-nas se wakif hoon….utne mein hi darwaaze se ek aawaaz aayi

“May I come in Sir?”

Pranay Sir palte aur unke chehre ki saari khushi gaayab ho gayi, Darwaaze pe khada insaan joh andar aane ki permission maang raha tha, woh aur koi nahi humara dost Kunwar Ikrant Singh tha, jiske baal pure side se saaf ho chuke the in fact wo ek perfect soldier cut karwa ke aaya tha. Usse dekh kar sabke chehre pe khushi thi, siva Pranay Sir ke. Unhone poochha…
“5 min hogaye?”

“Nahi Sir! 30 second aur baaki hain” Ikrant ne ghadi ko dekh kar muskura ke kaha….
“Tum ne baal kaat diye?”

“Ji Sir! Kyun Sir ? lag nahi rahe? Agar theek nahi hai Sir, toh bata dijiye, phir se kaat ke aa jaata hoon….”
“Nahi nahi theek hai, par kaat diye tumne.. yeh hairaani ki baat hai” Vinay Sir ne tanj kiya.
“Sir, guru ke kehne pe Eklavya ne angootha kaat diya tha ,aapne toh Sirf baal ki demand ki thi Sir… humne puri kardi” Kunwar Ikrant muskura ke bola…
Yeh sunkar saare baccho ki hasi chhoot gayi.

Pranay Sir ne use ghoor kar dekha aur poochha,
“Sorry? What do you mean?”
“Kuch nahi Sir…woh internals important the naa, isliye kaatnaa pada”
“Hmm…lets go down for proceeding with today’s schedule” Vinay sir ne announce kiya.
Neeche utarte waqt maine Ikrant ko kohni maar ke puchha
“Kunwar Saa 5min mein itne acche baal kaat kar aa kaise gaye Aap….Hair stylist ko apni jeb (pocket) mein lekar ghumte hain aap ?”

“Arey nahi.. Bas thoda sa apna dimag laga liya… Corridor mein ek junior ko pakad ke pucha “Suniye aapke paas scissor hai?”
“Yes Sir!”

“Bhai aap please mujhe de sakte hain ?….”
“Sir woh humara test hai, mujhe scissor lagega”
Maine junior se apni collar upar karte hue kaha
“ Sun, tu toh izzat ke laayak hi nahi hai bey… Apne senior ko NAA bol raha hai….Beta ab toh tu internal ke liye bhi nahi jaayega…. aur agar tu yahaan se gaya toh raat mein 25 baar tujhse Nana Patekar ki mimicry karwaaunga, pure hostel mein tujhe baniyaan or chaddhi mein bhagaaunga”

“Arey!!! sorry Sir!!! please Sir!!! aisa mat karo woh Fawda Sir mujhe agar exam mein nahi dekhega toh agle lecture mein bench pe khada karke sabke saamne mazak udaayega”
“Janab !!! tu toh pehle se hi bhagwan ka sabse bada mazak hai apne maa-baap ke liye….ab aur kitna mazak banega bey tu, chupchap chal” Yeh kehte hue maine uske sarr ke baal pakade aur usse boys washroom mein le gaya aur kaha “chal ab kaichi nikal aur mere baal kaat!…” matlab kasam se keh raha hoon kya lag gayi thi uski…uss junior ki shakal dekhne layak thi, maano usko kissi ne 21st floor se kudne bol diya ho…

“Sir aap yeh kya bol rahe hain…. Nahi-nahi main nahi katunga…aapki baat toh main kaat nahin sakta… baal kaise kaatunga… ulta latkna hai kya … nahin nahin… Sir”
“Arey yaar main aisa kuch nahi karunga….Bhai main Rajput hoon… Hum Zubaan ke pakke hote hain… Ek baar de di so de di… chal kuch nahi hoga… ab kaat mere baal…”

“Accha Sir! I trust you…rukiye kata-ta hoon”….uss junior ne apne andar ka hair stylist jagaya aur jaise-taise karke mere baal kaat diye”
“Ooooo toh uss junior ne baal kaate? Sahi hai yaar!

“ Arey nahi….Pura suna kaha aapne.. yeh toh interval hua hai…. climax toh abhi baaki hai” “Accha !!! toh bataa na phir kya hua”
“Usne baal toh kaate par woh phir bhi theek nahi lag rahe the….mere pas koi chara nahi tha toh main wapas upar aahi raha tha, jab maine Mali kaka(gardener) ko dekha woh apni kainchi aur mitti ka katora lekar jaa rahe the. Maine unko roka aur kaha
“Mali kaka, aapki ek help chahiye?”

“Kyon beta ? Kya hua?”
“Mali kaka aap na mere baal kaat denge? Please? Jaise aap paudho ko kaat kar sundar shape dete hain naa, bas waise hi….Mujhe teacher ne baahar nikal diya hai, kyunki mere baal kate nahi hain…Please aap kaat do ….Ek aap hi ho joh mujhe bacha sakte ho….” Yeh keh kar maine rone ki acting ki aur Mali kaka ko mana liya

“Accha beta! Par maine aaj tak kissi ke baal nahi kaate hain phir bhi koshish karta hoon…..” Mali Kaka mere saath boys washroom mein gaye aur unke pas joh katora tha woh mere sar pe rakh diya aur nikle hue extra baal saaf kardiye….kaatne ke baad bole “beta humari amma humare baal aise hi kaat-ti thi, hum bahut gareeb the naa toh paise nahi hote amma ke paas. Isko kehte hain “Katora cut” Maali kaka ko thank you kehke maine jaadu ki jhappi bhi di.. unke gaal pe kiss kiya aur kaha Tuesday Thursday humara kitchen hota hai, jab bhi khane ka mann kare, aap aa jaana kitchen mein, aapko kuch badhiya bana kar khilaaunga… aur phir bhaag kar class mein aagaya.

“Waah bhai kya solid dimag lagaya hain,maan- na padega…Itna dimag last time ke assessment mein laga diya hota, toh baal kaat ne ke liye maali kaka ke saamne rona nahi padta aur naa hi uss junior ko dhamki deni padti”
“Chhodna yaar !!! Ab itna adventure toh life mein needed hai na”

Finally hum neeche aa gaye, Pranay Sir Kala Sir ki cabin mein chale gaye, jahan se woh lobby ke telephone pe call laga kar humara assessment lene wale the. Telephone handling shuru ho gayi… Ek ke baad Ek… Student ke saath hungame kar rahe the who… In fact mere ek dost Sairat ke liye toh Pranay Sir ne ladki ki aawaaz nikali aur kaha
“Hello! Hiee! Are you the guy standing in the lobby?”

Sairat ne josh mein jawab diya “Yes ma’m! May I know, how may I assist you”
Sir ne ladki ki awaaz itni acchi nikaali thi ki pure conversation mein Sairat bhul gaya ki woh kisi ladki se nahi balki Pranay Sir se baat kar raha hai.. Unhone poochha

“May I know your name?”
“Certainly ma’m….My name is Sairat.”
“Sairat I must say you are sooo handsome….like.. I felt so connected to you, I must say you have maintained yourself so much…why don’t you come to my room… My room no.is 316”

“I am extremely sorry ma’m, par kya hai na main abhi duty pe hoon, agar main reception chodkar upar aaya toh mera manager mujhe chillayega… Aap ek kaam kyun nahi karti, main aapko apna number deta hoon, aap mujhe what’s app pe ping kar lena, toh main aapka number save kar lunga aur jaise hi main shift out hoonga, matlab meri duty khatam hogi.. main aapko call karke aapke kamre mein aata hoon, phir milkar beer peeyenge aapke kamre mein.. Ussi bahane main apna employment discount bhi use kar lunga….Kya bolti hain aap?”

Yeh sab sun kar, bina kuch aage bole Pranay Sir ne phone bang kar diya.. Unhone socha bhi nahin hoga ki yeh ladka bhawnao mein kuch zyaada hi beh jaayega…..

Ab baari thi Ikrant ki. Use dekh kar Pranay Sir ke chehre pe muskuraahat aa gayi.. Kalla Sir ke cabin mein ek khidki thi, jisse main unhei dekh paa rahi thi, aisa laga jaise woh keh rahe hon, “Beta, Aaj toh tere sath kaand hoga….” Isi beech phone pe ghanti baji tring tring tring…. “A very good morning, Hotel IHM, this is Ikrant. How may I assist you?”

Pranay Sir kuch alag hi bhasha mein baat karne lage “Auaann, Eeee maaa uuuaaaa”
“Sorry Sir?” Ikrant ne chaunk kar poochha…
“Auaan, eeee, mmaaa, uuuaaaa” Vinay Sir ne jawaab diya
“Pardon Sir?”

“Aaaaaaa aauuuuaannnn eee maaaa uuuaaaa”
“Sir I am extremely sorry…..par mujhe aapki bhasha samajh mein nahi aarahi. Kya aap please samajhne wali bhasha mein kuch keh sakte hain? Main aapki kis roop se sahayta kar sakta hoon?”

Hum sab Ikrant ko whisper kar rahe the “Abbey kya hua? Sab theek hain ? Tabhi Vinay sir bole “Ikrant mujhe samjh ne ki koshish karo main goonga (dumb) hoon aaaaa uuuuaaa uuuuuaaaa eeee” Pranay Sir ne kaha,Ikrant ne sar peet kar phone pe haath rakh ke kaha “Suno tum sab ek kaam karo….Iss aatma ki maa ko phone laga kar poochho ki iss praani ko kya khakar paida kiya hai? Iss bar yeh mahan aatma goonga bana hai”

Hum sab Ikrant ki taraf dekh kar zoron se hasne lage…. wahin phone pe Pranay Sir goonge bann kar “eeennn uuu aaaa eeee” kiye jaa rahe the….
Aage kya hua? Ikrant ne kaise handle kiya isko?
Hum bhi yahan hai, aap bhi yahan hai toh itni jaldi kya hain….
Milte hai agle blog mein….                                                                                                                           (to be continued… )

by Urvashi

Hi, Thank you for reading my blog ! Hope you all are enjoying the IHM Diary….Mujhe ek bahut hi pyaara aur mazedaar response aaya Mr.Anurag Kashyap se….

He sent me his incident about jumping from the boundary wall from his college. I found it really interesting and a must read for all my reader friends. Please enjoy reading his words

Transcription 

Mere saath hua yoon tha… ki deewar koodte waqt mujhe pichhe se ek ladki ki aawaaz sunaayi di…

aur main khush ho gaya ki koi ladki mujhe aawaaz de rahi hai..itni pyaari aawaaz mein…

Pichhe mud ke dekha, toh koi nahi dikha…. Maine socha – hogi koi… aur phir deewar kood gaya…

Phir se aawaz aayi, “Anurag !!!” Maine phir se dekha, Kaun hai ye khoobsurat aawaaz wali,

Dobara dekhne par …Upar dekha to Jaya Ma’m thi… Vinay Sir ki class se chilla rahi thi…

Aur jab unhone waapas aane ke liye bola,

toh Main unhi ke samne se, phir deewar kood ke andar aa gaya… aur unka chera dekhne laayak tha….

NOTE : If you have been through any such incidents, do write your experiences below on the comment section, so that even we can enjoy knowing how your college life was…
(Yadi aapke saath bhi aisi koi mazedaar ghatna hui hai, toh humein zaroor likhiye comment section mein…)

Cheers !!!
Urvashi